when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
don't judge my taste in strippers
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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