dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
