I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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