She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
