My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
