when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
