We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
