Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
