i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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