someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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