Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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