We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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