Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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