Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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