Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
