im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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