i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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