his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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