just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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