I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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