I could have mohawked her pubes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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