If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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