I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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