Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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