WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
