it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
