remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
