Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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