I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
