you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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