anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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