You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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