you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
