Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
