end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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