He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
