why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
