"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
