erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm passing your future prison.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
