I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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