They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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