I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You work out of a Hotel?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize