Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
