i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Thank you for not boning my boss.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
