You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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