Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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