i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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