and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
