Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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