just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
