Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
