i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
