So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
