you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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