god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
