his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
