they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
