Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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