just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
