i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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