I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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