none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
