you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
how does that bad decision feel?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
