3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
